Pursuit of Perfection

Perfection is no longer serving me. In fact, the pursuit of it is painful these days. I feel it deep within my body. My throat locks up, my breath gets shallow and it feels like someone is choking me, which does not bode well for a singer in the least bit.

The idea of perfection used to be my friend. We’d walk hand in hand on to every stage and 99.9% of the time achieve it, at least vocally. When everything else from my home environment to my body covered in psoriasis was out of control, that was the one thing I could control, my voice. From a very young age I strived to be better than the best. It’s the Virgo in me and if I’m really honest, it’s the little girl that wanted to be loved and at some point, very early in life adopted the belief that perfection was the way to receive that LovE. That pursuit spilled over onto every part of my life, never attainable, which left me feeling less than and never good enough. This wild goose chase of perfection all stemmed from an ego that needed to be fed. Now, don’t get me wrong, there’s nothing wrong with a healthy ego. It takes a certain amount of ego to be an entertainer. There’s a superhuman switch that gets flipped on the moment you walk out on stage. You have to completely believe you are the best and stand in your full power from that belief. Though, one day something began to feel off, like that belief was no longer enough. I began to no longer feel in my full power. Knowing what I know now, I actually had never stood in my full power at all. Being perfect now felt exhausting, like a lie. Actually, it had always felt that way, but I was just now waking up to those feelings. The overwhelming flood of these new feelings, full on kicked my ass and threw me for a loop.

Who was I if I couldn’t access that superhuman ego without fear?
Who was I with this new found vulnerability?
Who was I as an authentic woman, most likely different in many ways from how people got to know me as a child?
I became fearful to perform.
Even though I had proved myself to myself over and over and over again, I kept thinking that the next time would be the time when I would prove the voice in my head right, that I was a fraud all the way through to my voice.

I cannot even begin to describe the terror of that feeling, but it felt like I was dying inside, which I was. A part of me was dying but something new emerging.
I was in the trenches of that “in between” space of what was and of what would be.
No one would have ever known though, I was good at hiding it. Trust me, NOT a good thing btw! That energy began to lock up in my body, I began breathing shallow and losing my voice more often than I ever had before. I knew I needed to find a way to access my superhuman ego and incorporate this authentic woman that was fast emerging from within. I needed to give LeAnn, not “LeAnn Rimes,” but LeAnn a voice.

I needed to give her the freedom to create something for herself that felt real and completely connected to her heart.

Through much meditation, prayer, acceptance and deep self LovE, which I am still working on developing at an even deeper level, I have found a balance. I have learned within my authenticity, there in lies my FULL power. There lies the woman who is a creator, a force of nature, the real superhuman power I had only touched on as a child. Their lies my connection to the Divine. Within my flaws, my full expression of all of my emotions, my messiness, my brokenness lies the most beautiful gift of all, the connection to my heart and the ability to connect to others hearts and remind them of their divinity, their light. It was about damn time I got out of my own way, opened my arms and trusted every piece of the process of becoming.

I was always told my voice was God given and I understood that on an intellectual level I believe, but now, I began to understand it on a cellular level. Through meditation I learned how to step out of the way and become a channel to be worked though. Knowing that I was not the one with the power all on my own, but true power being a collaboration with universal energy/God allowed me to step out of fear, trusting that I would be led. Trusting that even my mistakes were lessons to awaken even more and practice this full, open heart vulnerability in its entirety. I’m not saying AT ALL that this is easy, but it’s real and these days, I’ll take real over perfect any day.

As I embark on my “Today Is Christmas” tour in Florida tonight, I am wrestling with my little girl within. She’s really loud today. She usually is on the first day of every tour and then she quiets down, remembering the infinite power and connection within her heart. I share this in hope of not only bursting out of my own BS bubble, but for anyone out there struggling with perfection who may find comfort in my story. This I know with every ounce of me, the moment I connect from my heart with my audience tonight and every night this struggle seises to exist and all that left is LovE.

 

Where in your life have you traded in your authenticity for the soul crushing pursuit of perfection? Can you let go and trust your true essence?