Tired wouldn’t even describe it. Drained of life force would be more like it. That’s the feeling that washed over me as I was cleaning out my closet. Shame and guilt came rushing in.
Seems like I haven’t had the time or maybe more like, I haven’t taken the time to go through every crevice of my closet for years. Yes, I’d go through the major things like shoes, dresses and jeans twice a year, but the nitty gritty… socks, undies, lingerie, belts, accessories… well, I haven’t weeded any of those things out in a long while. So with Autumn rolling in, and having been away in Vancouver for a significant part of this year while Eddie was filming “Take Two”, I was ready to jump in and clean out EVERYTHING! Little did I know what it would bring up.
Actually, I’m sure I did and that’s the reason I have been avoiding it, and for good reason. I have never been ready until now for what came up.
What really got me motivated to dig up all these fun emotions, (joking of course) was a teaching by Matt Kahn that I watched, “The Apathy Of Options.” I highly recommend watching it and then going on a cleaning binge. Like his teaching suggested, I was ready to not keep things around for the “just in case,” but instead, because I use it and it truly serves a purpose in my life.
I realized that keeping things around for the “just in case” was sending out the message to the universe that I didn’t trust it to take care of me.
I was living in lack mentality. It was time I began fully trusting and putting my focus and energy on the abundant life that surrounds me. Lack mentality can be very challenging to dismantle, especially if you grew up in a home, where from a young age, as my mom would say, “we needed to “pinch pennies,” to get by. I mean, we are continually programmed in this way with every ad on tv and the internet telling us that somehow we aren’t good enough or we are lacking or we are less than if we don’t have the coolest, latest whatever that’s out.
I’m done with this subconscious programming controlling my life. I’m taking back my power, so my closet seemed like a good place to start. I told myself I would do a little each day, so it didn’t become completely overwhelming. I know, it’s not the Marie Kondo, “Art Of Tidying Up” way, but I would have never seen the light of day for a solid two days if I would have done it all in one swoop. God bless those who can!
The first day, I cleaned out my tank tops and t-shirts, no big deal. Then, I dove into all of the little things, especially my boxes and drawers full of lingerie. A lot of items I was finding were from several years ago and were super tiny. I couldn’t even begin to imagine fitting into them now, not that I would want to. After 30 or 40 minutes, I began to get really exhausted, but I continued on. Once I start something I must finish it, at least the section of the closet I was working on. A few hours went by and I was finished. I felt completely wiped. I decided to go lay down and meditate and explore what was going on within my body. My intuition told me that old emotions were coming up and correlating with my closet reboot.
After just a few minutes of being with my heart and breathing into the discomfort, I gained clarity on what was surfacing. As I was cleaning out my lingerie I was thinking about how I was the smallest I had ever been several years ago, not completely by choice by the way, and I was realizing what pain that young woman was in. Incredible, when it clicks that size really doesn’t have anything to do with much. That moment was the first time I was willing to admit to the amount of pain, shame and guilt that I was experiencing during that time in my life, like really open to it all. Wow, was that ever a moment of pain and compassion, as I almost felt split between the two versions of myself. My intuition told me it was time to go back and LovE that version of me, to forgive her and all of her emotions that she wasn’t able to fully feel at that time in my life. So, that’s what I did and in my mind’s eye I called up two different versions of myself that stood out to me. One was around the age of 28 and the other 30. I saw what I was unable to see at the time… the truth of my brokenness and the paradox of being completely in LovE, but not with myself. I sent both versions of me LovE, told them I forgave them, witnessed their pain and then I cut cords with both of them. I cut cords with any of their shame, guilt, negative thought patterns, limiting beliefs, and I watched them both float away into the light. I then filled my whole body with white, healing light and after I felt clear, I brought both versions of me back down into my heart, to be forever protected, LovEd and appreciated for the lessons they provided and the battle within that they fought and made it through. I have never felt better! Well, I did for two days until I dug back in. I now know what’s coming up though and I’m repeating this process whenever needed. Clearly, my closet wasn’t the only thing beckoning my attention for space, my body was too. My closet was just the catalyst for a much deeper cleansing and healing.
So, how’s your closet looking these days? Are you avoiding something in your life that needs an overhaul, but you aren’t yet willing to face what you will find once you start the excavating? Take your time! Your body and spirit will give you a definite YES when you are ready to process and heal what comes up with a deep cleaning such as this. For those of you that are ready, I suggest truly letting your intuition guide you through the process. If it doesn’t bring you joy, you aren’t currently using it, and it doesn’t reflect the highest version of yourself in the moment and in the future, let it go! Same goes with whatever arises internally. If it doesn’t contribute to your joy and serve your highest self, it’s time to say goodbye. I have come to realize that this is a beautiful representation of loving thyself. We cannot be whole humans if we only LovE our highlights. It’s time for unconditional LovE, for deep forgiveness and a future free of shame and guilt. I LovE you.
This was very touching and caused ALOT of self reflection. I’m always in awe of your journey and the progress you’ve made. Someday……maybe someday, I can hope to achieve a small portion of what you’ve been able to do. As I sit here now though, there’s too much self loathing and disappointment to get there. Thank you for including us in your journey.
Thank you for sharing. 😊
I am quite certain that what you describe applies to me as well. I must motivate myself to not only clean out clothes, but other things that I keep “just in case” I need them again. There are belongings I haven’t looked at in twenty years…yet they take up space that I need.
Thank you LeAnn for nudging me to at least think about changing this and sorting out some long hidden emotions.
I am utterly in awe of your bravery and courage, of how you’re able to bare your soul and let us fans see your innermost struggles.
Sadly, I wouldn’t know self-love if it kicked me in the face. My life has always been filled with the you’re-never-good-enough type of experiences and I loathe myself, mostly because there’s just no one teaching me the opposite.
You are an inspiration and I can only hope to one day be able to achieve a tiny fraction of what you’ve achieved. For hope dies last, or so they say…
I went through some very traumatic times a few years back and while I don’t believe I’m fully healed at this point, clearing out so many possessions helped gave me strength to move forward. I sometimes laugh and say it’s much less for my family to deal with when I die, but the truth is, I just don’t need all that stuff! It was HARD. Many tears, much shame and deep humiliation came up. I’ve learned to think twice before any purchase now. Thank you for sharing your experience – clearing your closet helps to clear the soul!
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