Words only brought up around the death of loved ones or the crumbling of a relationship with a LovEr. At least, those are the places in my life where I remember it being acknowledged and spoken about, but only for a brief period of time… and then, we move on. Somehow, pushing the darkness to the side or shoving the pain down deep into our depths, so we can get on with life, not realizing, THAT IS LIFE!
Grief was a recent topic I pondered after the passing of our beloved pup, Eveie and honestly, she’s been hanging around. I’ve come to make her my friend… at least I’m sitting with her at the same table these days. Tears still well up when I see a photo of Eveie, except they exist right along side the biggest smile. I am able to hold both, joy and pain in my tender heart. And with this new found friend I’ve found in grief, I’ve been noticing all the places where she exists outside of the death of all things LovE and LovEd.
One of the biggest discoveries that I’ve stumbled upon is how she lives and breaths within my growth, how she weaves herself in and out of every incarnation of me. I’ve had coaches and healers tell me that I need to grieve the incarnations of me that are long gone, all the coats of skin that I’ve shed along my journey, but that concept was only understood, never felt and embodied… until now. I was afraid of grief, never taught how to embrace her with an open heart. I guess I had to finally acknowledge her existence, face to face with her in the midst of Eveie’s passing. I came to know her for the first time in my womanhood, and being able to hold her from the space of a woman, in my mother and not my fragile, walled up maiden, that made all the difference. And so, I have allowed her to hold space in my life, in all the areas and in all the ways. Finally, that advice about grieving all of the different incarnations of self broke open for me and a river of grief followed. I honestly, don’t think that river has really begun to reach its upper level just yet. I’m beginning to see the impenetrable weight of years and years of unfelt grief I have been carrying on my shoulder and deep within my heart. Grief from past LovEs, from a broken family, from betrayal after betrayal, not only from others but from the betrayal of my own self. My little girl inside has been wanting me to finally validate her pain, sit with her and hold her while she feels all of it. She’s been begging me to come back home to her desires and needs, instead of putting everyone else first. She’s telling me she wants a kinder voice running the show now, the militant voice has caused her too much pain. And, I am listening and shifting to become a gentler home for her. Within that though are a lot of tears, especially when I see the universe conspiring to confirm that new, gentler, internal voice.
Just the other day I sat down at a bar to place a to-go order while I was waiting for my Tesla to charge. I had forgotten to plug my car in the night before and I was driving around in LA traffic all day, so I had to find a charging station and ended up at this cute hotel with a sweet, little restaurant. So, while I was waiting I thought I’d grab an iced tea and something yummy to take a long with me on my ride to my next stop. While I was at the bar, I had two darling women tell me how beautiful I was. In the past I would have thought they were lying, since those were the last words the voice in my head would have described me as. This time however, I took it in and the kinder voice actually agreed with them. DO YOU KNOW HOW AMAZING THAT FELT?
I allowed myself to agree and feel good about it. I left there with the biggest smile on my face, knowing that the universe conspired to put me in that exact place with those glorious women in order to mirror back to me my light. I got back in my car and started crying. That’s when it hit me… there’s that grief. Here’s where she’s wanting to rise. I set there and allowed her to flow up and out. I apologized to myself for ever thinking anything less of myself than beautiful and I forgave that other version of me for her old, hurtful narrative. Within a few minutes I felt lighter and was able to go on with my day in joy, knowing that I had just held myself when I needed it most and released an older version of me from her prison. I find this grief rises often now. Mostly, it’s when I’m singing and my heart is wide open or when I’m truly in the moment, embracing the tenderness and magic the universe is sending my way. So, if you come to a show and the tears are flowing down my cheeks, you know where they are coming from.
So, let’s dive into this invitation of grief even deeper. I’m curious, what’s your relationship with grief? Where is she hiding in your life, in your heart? Can you allow her to rise and hold yourself while she flows up and out? Where are you hiding this piece of you from yourself, my LovE? When we make friends with her, she becomes our ally, no longer our enemy. I LovE you so much!
Tears are flowing down my cheeks. It’s hard to type right now because I can actually feel your grief (which is mine trying to come out). Your words speak to me. My heart is so heavy and sad right now. I am working on my recent and years old pain that come up frequently. It’s really fff… hard. I know I should not be stuffing the pain inside and trying to allow God, the Universe to open my heart and be positive. Thank you for your wonderful thoughts and openness. This really helps me and I know it help others learn to grow and heal. You are so right. THIS IS LIFE! xoxo Love you Le too!
Love your perspective on this topic. My first real acknowledgement of grief came with the death of my mom, but I have come to realize it was present long before that. I never contemplated the depths of grief from a broken love relationship or friendship. While some relationships could have survived if both parties admitted faults and tried to repair it rather than giving up, some are just enlightenment about someone’s character, and the break is a positive step (my experience anyway). The grief is still deep and palatable….disappointing and sad.
Grief surrounding my own worth and beauty is what I continue to struggle with….working on that one!
Blessings to you, Le, for writing about a difficult topic and for your journey to grow and change…and love.
Smiles. Incredible. Thank you for your light.
My husband found solace in writing an original country Christmas song when his dear Mother passed away. She always loved Christmas, and the words and music just flowed through him. Available for recording, you can listen to it here- It is called “Follow Your Star” :https://www.facebook.com/JustFollowYourStar/
Grief definitely comes in stages, so everything you’ve written about your experience with sweet Evie makes sense. Grief happens when something really matters, so I love that you are allowing yourself to embrace it. I believe we have to assign meaning to our pain, or we just become bitter. If these bad things happen to us and we don’t assign meaning to it, then it’s for nothing and that only creates resentment. If we place some significance to the pain and see how it has helped us, we can use it as a source of healing and even learning.
I just got out of a relationship of almost two years, and I have moments of being really sad, and I am allowing sad Craig to have his voice heard. I have been doing my best to feel sadness when it comes, but also to reframe my thoughts and not let the negative ones take over. I think acknowledging the negative thoughts is a big step. Telling myself, “Okay, thank you,” to let my mind know that I’ve acknowledged the negative voice in my head. Then, I try to reframe the negative self-talk, by assigning meaning to the heartbreak. It’s been life changing. I think to myself, “There are so many things I have learned from this relationship about myself and it has given me the insight to be a better partner for the next person.” I will do it better next time and I have a much better idea of what I’m looking for now. I’m not a victim of something bad happening to me. I see grief as a way of showing that the relationship mattered to me and to allow myself to feel the journey it takes me on.
It’s amazing how something so simple can feel so far away. I’ve been feeling and experiencing these moments of deep intense grief inside, where the tears well and overflow. I didn’t understand where they were coming from. What you’ve just shared has made so much sense to the fact that I’ve been pushing aside grief and loss of past selves and experiences and not showing up in those moments to embrace grief and find compassion. I can’t thank you enough for sharing your thoughts, your vulnerability and your experience. This is truly going to make a difference in how i react to those moments.
Wow, that message hits home with me on so many levels. Two years ago my mom passed away from lung cancer. She was not only my mom, but my best friend, my rock and just such a huge part of my life. There wasn’t a day that I didn’t talk to her. It was so hard to see her waste away for months before she passed. I still feel like even now I push some of those emotions and tears away and push them back down and say I’ll deal with that later. I’ve been to counseling about it also. It has affected every area of my life, so now I am trying harder to deal with it. To feel it. To let it go. There are other areas in my life I choose not to think about that this article made me think about too. Pain form being a little over weight most of my life and the huge struggle I still go through daily even now at 36 to work out and eat healthier. I see myself self-sabotaging myself with excuses and using food as a comfort for the things in my life that stress me out.
I can honestly say that reading your blogs and seeing an interview you did with Lewis Howes on The School of Greatness on YouTube has really helped me to realize that I need to dig deep and be okay with what I find there and to go through the pain and and really find who I really am and be okay with me. I need to LovE me for me. Thank you for putting yourself out there and being willing to open up about so many struggles and just life stuff. Always know that you are not alone and you are definitely LovEd!!! You are such a beautiful person and soul!!
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