Words only brought up around the death of loved ones or the crumbling of a relationship with a LovEr. At least, those are the places in my life where I remember it being acknowledged and spoken about, but only for a brief period of time… and then, we move on. Somehow, pushing the darkness to the side or shoving the pain down deep into our depths, so we can get on with life, not realizing, THAT IS LIFE!
Grief was a recent topic I pondered after the passing of our beloved pup, Eveie and honestly, she’s been hanging around. I’ve come to make her my friend… at least I’m sitting with her at the same table these days. Tears still well up when I see a photo of Eveie, except they exist right along side the biggest smile. I am able to hold both, joy and pain in my tender heart. And with this new found friend I’ve found in grief, I’ve been noticing all the places where she exists outside of the death of all things LovE and LovEd.
One of the biggest discoveries that I’ve stumbled upon is how she lives and breaths within my growth, how she weaves herself in and out of every incarnation of me. I’ve had coaches and healers tell me that I need to grieve the incarnations of me that are long gone, all the coats of skin that I’ve shed along my journey, but that concept was only understood, never felt and embodied… until now. I was afraid of grief, never taught how to embrace her with an open heart. I guess I had to finally acknowledge her existence, face to face with her in the midst of Eveie’s passing. I came to know her for the first time in my womanhood, and being able to hold her from the space of a woman, in my mother and not my fragile, walled up maiden, that made all the difference. And so, I have allowed her to hold space in my life, in all the areas and in all the ways. Finally, that advice about grieving all of the different incarnations of self broke open for me and a river of grief followed. I honestly, don’t think that river has really begun to reach its upper level just yet. I’m beginning to see the impenetrable weight of years and years of unfelt grief I have been carrying on my shoulder and deep within my heart. Grief from past LovEs, from a broken family, from betrayal after betrayal, not only from others but from the betrayal of my own self. My little girl inside has been wanting me to finally validate her pain, sit with her and hold her while she feels all of it. She’s been begging me to come back home to her desires and needs, instead of putting everyone else first. She’s telling me she wants a kinder voice running the show now, the militant voice has caused her too much pain. And, I am listening and shifting to become a gentler home for her. Within that though are a lot of tears, especially when I see the universe conspiring to confirm that new, gentler, internal voice.
Just the other day I sat down at a bar to place a to-go order while I was waiting for my Tesla to charge. I had forgotten to plug my car in the night before and I was driving around in LA traffic all day, so I had to find a charging station and ended up at this cute hotel with a sweet, little restaurant. So, while I was waiting I thought I’d grab an iced tea and something yummy to take a long with me on my ride to my next stop. While I was at the bar, I had two darling women tell me how beautiful I was. In the past I would have thought they were lying, since those were the last words the voice in my head would have described me as. This time however, I took it in and the kinder voice actually agreed with them. DO YOU KNOW HOW AMAZING THAT FELT?
I allowed myself to agree and feel good about it. I left there with the biggest smile on my face, knowing that the universe conspired to put me in that exact place with those glorious women in order to mirror back to me my light. I got back in my car and started crying. That’s when it hit me… there’s that grief. Here’s where she’s wanting to rise. I set there and allowed her to flow up and out. I apologized to myself for ever thinking anything less of myself than beautiful and I forgave that other version of me for her old, hurtful narrative. Within a few minutes I felt lighter and was able to go on with my day in joy, knowing that I had just held myself when I needed it most and released an older version of me from her prison. I find this grief rises often now. Mostly, it’s when I’m singing and my heart is wide open or when I’m truly in the moment, embracing the tenderness and magic the universe is sending my way. So, if you come to a show and the tears are flowing down my cheeks, you know where they are coming from.
So, let’s dive into this invitation of grief even deeper. I’m curious, what’s your relationship with grief? Where is she hiding in your life, in your heart? Can you allow her to rise and hold yourself while she flows up and out? Where are you hiding this piece of you from yourself, my LovE? When we make friends with her, she becomes our ally, no longer our enemy. I LovE you so much!