Around my age (36), us women are invited to consciously make the shift from maiden to mother. It’s a shift that has the ability to change our lives, to up level us in ways we deeply long for, but are unable to touch, to break us open, revealing the fierce and blinding totality of our hearts. Even if a woman has given birth to a child, they can sometimes get stuck in maiden, afraid to loosen the grip on youth, still living in a fantasy of someone coming and saving them from their longing and pain, unaware that it’s their inner mother they are longing for.
This shift from maiden to mother is a calling I have heard whispers of for a few years now. It’s something frankly I have shut out, forcing it back into the ethers to go pick on someone else for a while. I have not been ready!
Honestly, I grew up feeling like I had the responsibility of a mother heavy on my shoulders from the time I was very young. I felt responsible for my parents, the 67 people that I employed on the road from the time I was 13, agents, lawyers, business managers… they all had jobs because of me. Not only was I financially responsible for those around me, but my little empathic, co dependent heart took on everyone’s emotions, trying to “fix” them or keep them at least on the saner side, so I could feel safe. Talk about f#@%ing exhaustion! I have endured many years resenting responsibility, playing smaller than what I’m put on this earth to be, all because I didn’t want to take on anymore of anything. I have gone through most of my life without the desire to have a child of my own simply because I wore myself out taking care of everyone else BUT ME! I adore my stepsons and am so grateful to have the experience of helping raise children and LovE them in this lifetime. I have come to learn, when a deep LovE finds you it opens your heart to experiences you never thought you would be able to handle. However, I haven’t had the deep yearning for my own child that a lot of women speak of. By the way, that is shifting as I claim my mother within. I’m not sure yet how that part of my voyage is going to play out for me, but whatever happens I know I will make deep peace with it and it will be in alignment with my soul.
So, as you can see, my maiden has been weary for a long while. She’s been broken, traumatized actually, shut down, disconnected, angry, she’s felt trapped. Trapped in her stories, in the stories that have been projected on to her, her ancestral stories, stories she creates for herself to erect a false sense of safety. She’s been running from herself, looking for someone anyone outside of herself to save her. I think she’s finally hit the floor, completely surrendered, inviting the mother in to compassionately help her turn towards her pain and trusting that the mother is fully capable of dealing with whatever arises with grace and unwavering LovE.
Serendipitously enough, I felt this shift happen 3 nights ago, right before Mother’s Day.
I have been working on reparenting myself for some time now with the help of my beautiful friend Kylie McBeath, designing my inner mother, constructing new ways of speaking to myself, giving myself permission to turn away from old beliefs that no longer serve me and were not mine to begin with, soothing my inner child, my wounded maiden instead of trying to shut her up or numb her out, leaning into the most uncomfortable situations in order to model for myself a new way of being, a way that was unable to be modeled for me growing up. It’s been deep work, a constant recommitment to myself and my growth every morning when I wake. I’ve worked through many layers on this healing journey of mine over the last 5 or 6 years, but I knew there was a deeper layer waiting to be unearthed. I have definitely unearthed it and am in the thick of a deeper healing alchemy.
In allowing my maiden to rest, surrendering the striving, the competition, the constant judgement, the lack of self care and boundaries, the numbing, my mother is taking over and it feels so massively empowering, even in the midst of anxiety, sadness, rage, confusion, the whole flooding of suppressed emotions waiting patiently to be felt. I am seeing responsibility with new eyes, finding the joy and freedom within it instead of the dread. I know for a while I will oscillate back and forth between maiden and mother, but like I’ve found throughout the rest of my healing, I begin to hang out for longer periods of time in my new found space each time I dance between the two. I am fully stepping into my womanhood, my sovereignty, my own essence. A rebirthing is yet again taking place and I have my inner mother to thank.
So, this Mother’s Day, as I am honoring my mother, Godmother, my stepson’s mother, my mother-in-law, myself as a stepmom, Mother Earth and all of the wonderful mothers around me in whatever incarnation they may come, I am also bowing deeply to my inner mother and my journey from maiden to mother.
My beautiful, tender hearted women that are reading this, where are you on this journey? Do you feel fully embodied in your womanhood or does it feel like your inner child, wounded maiden is still running the show? Wherever you are, I deeply honor you, every piece of you. I honor every mother, every human that has stepped into the role of caretaker/mother, that is loving and raising children with everything they have, in every way they know how. I LovE you all. Happy Mother’s Day.