My Journey From Maiden To Mother

Around my age (36), us women are invited to consciously make the shift from maiden to mother. It’s a shift that has the ability to change our lives, to up level us in ways we deeply long for, but are unable to touch, to break us open, revealing the fierce and blinding totality of our hearts. Even if a woman has given birth to a child, they can sometimes get stuck in maiden, afraid to loosen the grip on youth, still living in a fantasy of someone coming and saving them from their longing and pain, unaware that it’s their inner mother they are longing for. 

This shift from maiden to mother is a calling I have heard whispers of for a few years now. It’s something frankly I have shut out, forcing it back into the ethers to go pick on someone else for a while. I have not been ready! 

Honestly, I grew up feeling like I had the responsibility of a mother heavy on my shoulders from the time I was very young. I felt responsible for my parents, the 67 people that I employed on the road from the time I was 13, agents, lawyers, business managers… they all had jobs because of me. Not only was I financially responsible for those around me, but my little empathic, co dependent heart took on everyone’s emotions, trying to “fix” them or keep them at least on the saner side, so I could feel safe. Talk about f#@%ing exhaustion! I have endured many years resenting responsibility, playing smaller than what I’m put on this earth to be, all because I didn’t want to take on anymore of anything. I have gone through most of my life without the desire to have a child of my own simply because I wore myself out taking care of everyone else BUT ME! I adore my stepsons and am so grateful to have the experience of helping raise children and LovE them in this lifetime. I have come to learn,  when a deep LovE finds you it opens your heart to experiences you never thought you would be able to handle. However, I haven’t had the deep yearning for my own child that a lot of women speak of. By the way, that is shifting as I claim my mother within. I’m not sure yet how that part of my voyage is going to play out for me, but whatever happens I know I will make deep peace with it and it will be in alignment with my soul. 

So, as you can see, my maiden has been weary for a long while. She’s been broken, traumatized actually, shut down, disconnected, angry, she’s felt trapped. Trapped in her stories, in the stories that have been projected on to her, her ancestral stories, stories she creates for herself to erect a false sense of safety. She’s been running from herself, looking for someone anyone outside of herself to save her. I think she’s finally hit the floor, completely surrendered, inviting the mother in to compassionately help her turn towards her pain and trusting that the mother is fully capable of dealing with whatever arises with grace and unwavering LovE. 

Serendipitously enough, I felt this shift happen 3 nights ago, right before Mother’s Day.

I have been working on reparenting myself for some time now with the help of my beautiful friend Kylie McBeath, designing my inner mother, constructing new ways of speaking to myself, giving myself permission to turn away from old beliefs that no longer serve me and were not mine to begin with, soothing my inner child, my wounded maiden instead of trying to shut her up or numb her out, leaning into the most uncomfortable situations in order to model for myself a new way of being, a way that was unable to be modeled for me growing up. It’s been deep work, a constant recommitment to myself and my growth every morning when I wake. I’ve worked through many layers on this healing journey of mine over the last 5 or 6 years, but I knew there was a deeper layer waiting to be unearthed. I have definitely unearthed it and am in the thick of a deeper healing alchemy. 

In allowing my maiden to rest, surrendering the striving, the competition, the constant judgement, the lack of self care and boundaries, the numbing, my mother is taking over and it feels so massively empowering, even in the midst of anxiety, sadness, rage, confusion, the whole flooding of suppressed emotions waiting patiently to be felt. I am seeing responsibility with new eyes, finding the joy and freedom within it instead of the dread. I know for a while I will oscillate back and forth between maiden and mother, but like I’ve found throughout the rest of my healing, I begin to hang out for longer periods of time in my new found space each time I dance between the two. I am fully stepping into my womanhood, my sovereignty, my own essence. A rebirthing is yet again taking place and I have my inner mother to thank. 

So, this Mother’s Day, as I am honoring my mother, Godmother, my stepson’s mother, my mother-in-law, myself as a stepmom, Mother Earth and all of the wonderful mothers around me in whatever incarnation they may come, I am also bowing deeply to my inner mother and my journey from maiden to mother. 

My beautiful, tender hearted women that are reading this, where are you on this journey? Do you feel fully embodied in your womanhood or does it feel like your inner child, wounded maiden is still running the show? Wherever you are, I deeply honor you, every piece of you. I honor every mother, every human that has stepped into the role of caretaker/mother, that is loving and raising children with everything they have, in every way they know how. I LovE you all. Happy Mother’s Day.

12 comments

  • I experienced the shift around 36 and it didn’t fully hit until I was a few weeks along. Now at 42 I strive to take care of myself in the same way I take care of my son, which is with love, gentleness, wisdom and always being on his, and now my own side. For me, I had to feel my personal journey was complete, and now my family unit is my journey. Your love for your husband will grow as they assume new roles and if you multiply that feeling of LovE x a billion you will have sense of what you will feel toward a precious child. Love is boundlEd’s.

    I’ve followed you for a decade I think because I see myself in you and I’m so happy for you. You’re an amazing writer and musician and all round person. Happy Mother’s Day!

  • Yesssss!!! I love this so much Leann!! Beautiful!! Happy Mother’s Day beautiful soul!! Blessings of fertility love!!!

  • Good Morning! Happy Mother’s Day!

    You have been a Mother since you were 13! Not every 13 year old would have thought the same way you did and take them under your wing. You should be so proud of yourself!
    I believe God (or whomever one believes in) created our life to be a journey. In that journey one goes through many stages in life. When I say stages, I mean developmental emotional stages. AND, there is no right or wrong path in this journey.
    Example: When I was in high school, I was a perfectionist and wanted to be perfect in all ways. I wanted my parents not ever worry about me because I was perfect – school, socially, body, health, etc. There is a reason behind why I thought this way because of my journey/life. I found in in my early twenties that I really did not experience – go through certain emotional stages. It was time I did and realizing this helped me grow. I found my soulmate and that is when I was very ready to be a Mom, Mamma, Mother and Nurturer. I wanted my husband and me to create a child together.
    I am in the middle of my journey. I would not have thought this a couple of years ago when my children graduated from High School. I believed my journey was completely over. This is not to sound sad. It was an awakening that my journey was in another stage. I embraced it the best I could. With embracing this stage, I now am content and happy. So where am I in my journey today? Children are now adults but not all the way. I am loving them, family, nature (my deer and hummingbirds), my crazy Calico cat (6 years old – rescued her at 3 weeks old from our ranch) and learning to live in the moment. xo – Austin, TX

  • This spoke to the deepest part of my soul. Thank you for putting into words what my inner maiden and mother have been trying to tell me. 😭❤️🤗💃

  • Thanks for sharing so much of yourself. I have idolized you since I was about 13 and you have been such an inspiration since then, and even more now. You are the sweetest and have a heart of gold. Happy Mother’s Day Le and I Hope life gives you everything you’ve ever dreamed! 🌷❤️🌷

  • Leann, this is so beautiful and timely as I am beginning my journey as well. I am grateful for your vulnerability and willingness to share. Thank you !

  • Blessed Mother’s Day!

    I’m just finishing a vblog dedicated to my wife who exhausts herself for her children & grand children all of the time… We can’t be together today 😞🙏❤ but I am getting her some mattresses for two of her grandsons. In a difficult personal situation God keeps us together. The vid is only ten minutes & the 8 min. I speak responds in kindness & historical verifiable things so distorted in recent centuries. I’m sorry I don’t allude enough to your personal struggles in the vblog but while I don’t know your pain growing into adulthood in a time we’re meant to be, my pain certainly relates to yours. I’ve found an inner peace from God growing in leaps & bounds sometimes. And relating to struggles with those in my life & distant friends such as you, certainly helped by the connections in LifE Light Charity(LovE) LinEs of communication. You are kind hearted … please watch the vblog.. it’s ❤ heartfelt for murual understanding to grow by God with one another. Peace with all my heart to you a mother, yours, and the boys, your family & friends. Link will be emailed to you and available by social media when done. I have stressed endocrine ailment due to cetain anti bodies. Only treatment is rest & good diet. Difficult but thank God I crashed until 1pm today. In God’s Loving Kindness, LovE,

  • It sounds like a song in the making. Good fortune on your journey. I remember meeting you at 14 when I was a journalist. I intentionally didn’t interview you then because I thought it really wouldn’t benefit either you or my audience. A few years later I did interview you and was impressed with your maturity but also noted that teenager yearning to break free. Now that your focus expands beyond the immediate I am sure you will make the right decisions for you. Be well young lady.

  • You have played the role of a mother for a very long time and you certainly have been parenting (mothering!) your step sons for years now. Good luck as you embark on a different chapter in your life – happy Mother’s Day!

  • Beautiful and moving. I cried reading you last paragraph as I have had similar struggle over the past 5 years. It is a very difficult process and reverting back to numbness seems so tempting sometimes. I am grateful for my therapist and loving husband for support. Thank you for sharing your truth. ❤️

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