I’m drained. I can’t complete thoughts. Words aren’t coming very easily. I’m emotional, antsy and have no idea what to do with it all. I’ve been here many times before, but every time I find myself in this place I ask the same question, “why do I feel like this,” like I don’t already know the answer by heart. This, my friends, is the come down from the high.
I’ve been whole heartedly working on a new project and it’s the day after its culmination that has me in these feelings. The come down from the high is something I have experienced ever since I was a little girl every time I would come off stage. The stage is a drug and the only space in my life where I believe I am unable to suppress any of my joy and euphoria, which of course, is what makes for such a drastic, dualists experience after it is over. Now, there are levels to that experience, but there’s always a come down.
What I’m getting at is, to the level at which I hand myself over to the moment and open fully to the ecstasy and joy of the experience is the level at which I will endure the come down… and the one I am immersed in currently is a COME DOWN! Whew!
For anyone who’s ever had a hangover or experienced the withdrawal from a drug, we all know that it is NOT an enjoyable ride.
Here’s what I find interesting, and you may relate…
Personally, I have tried to avoid the come down in so many other areas of my life because I haven’t wanted to feel the pain, the suffering, the loss, the mini deaths that go along with the dualistic nature of the human experience. I’ve felt them SO MANY TIMES, especially in the way I bare my soul through my art and many a time, I have thought, “I can’t handle this anymore.”
I’ve denied wanting certain successes because I’m afraid to lose them and experience the pain that comes along with that loss. And if I’m completely honest about my trauma, I don’t want to feel like I have to beat myself up to repeat those successes over and over again. And yes, I know there’s a middle ground here, and I’m still finding it. I’ve stayed in my head, in the stories I create around not being lovable in order to not fully throw myself into LovE, because I’m afraid of the pain of THAT loss. The biggest one for me that I uncovered not too long ago on my birthday trip to Mammoth,… I haven’t wanted the joy because the sadness hurts too much.
I think that belief right there encompasses it all. It’s the core, the root. And you know how I discovered it…
By letting myself fully feel the joy!
The day before we left Mammoth to head back home, I grew very sad. We had had the most incredible, connected, joyful time there and I realized that this sadness, which was much deeper than my usual gloomy response to the ending of a trip, was brought on by the fact that I allowed the joy in FULLY. And that joy was BLISSFUL. Deep in the sadness, I thought to myself, “this is why I don’t let joy in, because the flip side HURTS.” All at once I realized that I had been living my life in such a way that everything had been dampened. I allowed myself to feel just enough of the good stuff in life, so the come down wasn’t as sorrowful. However, because I didn’t allow for the full experience of life and the fullness of my emotions, I found myself creating those experiences in other unhealthy ways. The awareness of my experience has allowed me to emerge from the depths of its grip, become the observer of the old pattern and begin to make new choices around truly emerging myself in the feelings of my experiences. The resistance to what is, that is what creates the discomfort and the internal war.
These past several years have found me building my capacity to not only hold more space for the “challenging” emotions such as grief, anger, sadness, fear, rage, jealousy and so on, but also joy, LovE, excitement, gratitude, serenity….
ALL emotions can be challenging if we aren’t use to FULLY allowing them in, not just the so called “difficult” ones. This has been my experience. Anyone?
Here’s what I know about myself…
I FEEL FUCKING DEEPLY. I bet, if you’re reading this, YOU DO TOO. There’s no way around our sensitivity and who would want to find a way around it, anyway? It’s A GIFT!!! I know, roll your eyes. I used to roll my eyes too. It IS a gift, though, but we will never see it as one until we let IT ALL in, fully. And, what else I’m discovering are two very important pieces…. we must reclaim our worth in order to fully allow the good stuff in. If we don’t believe we are worthy of joy, bliss, excitement, the pure goodness of life, we will never touch it completely. And, the reclamation of our more “challenging” feelings, being able to feel the grief, rage, jealousy without shame and to really be able to allow those feelings to move THROUGH us, to soften our body and heart while in the midst of their grip, this is such a key piece. There’s no touching pure, raw emotion fully until we invite it all in without the narrative of “good” or “bad” that we have placed upon them. Remember, everything “is” until we give it meaning.
However deep we find ourselves immersed in the “dark side” is the depth at which we have the ability to experience the ecstasy of life.
Like all healing and self discovery, this is a continual journey for me, one that has many, MANY layers. I feel like I’m just beginning to truly peel back the layers on the depths of that which I can experience in this human body.
Where are you on this journey? What emotions are you dampening? What emotions have you yet to fully allow in? What do you believe would happen if you fully felt the highs and lows of your humanness to the fullest? How can you support yourself when you are in your highest highs and lowest lows? What does the little one inside of you that’s afraid to feel need in order to regain their purest innocence and fully feel? YOU ARE SAFE!
Our beliefs are so important to write out and uncover, so that we begin to understand what’s running the show and why we continue to repeat patterns. Awareness is such a key component when it comes to expanding into the highest version of ourselves and shedding our outdated survival mechanisms that no longer serve us. Here’s to self discovery, expansion and letting it all in!
I LovE you!