Goodbye 2019. Hello 2020.

Here we are, embarking on a new decade. The beginning of our next 10 years, if we are blessed to continue to be gifted that many more breaths, is less than 24 hours away. Today, as I reflect back on the past 10 years and all that unfolded… all that was unearthed, created, healed, released, I am stumbling upon a multitude of emotions, some painful, that have yet to be felt and moved through and others that are blissful, ushering in pure joy and great relief. I’m uncovering lots of grief that I am whaling out, shame and the stories that surround that shame that I am done with carrying and anger, anger that I haven’t allowed myself to feel from years of the belief that I didn’t deserve to feel it. All the lies that I have bought into or have told myself that are ready to be dismantled and released are flying into my peripheral, asking to each be acknowledged and given back to the ethers. It’s time! It’s time to move into the next decade with more freedom than ever before. I hear it beckoning me to let go of the old, and so I am making a conscious choice to do so. As much as I am leaning into these difficult emotions, I am also sitting with the gratitude, joy, LovE and the incredibly long exhale that is arising, and becoming just as familiar with what their goodness feels like in my body. I deeply desire more bliss in these next 10 years! Giving just as much attention to the bliss as to the pain is the way to begin. 

Decades are interesting, as they can act as defining signposts for growth, and sometimes, lack there of. I can humbly and surely say that this decade has acted as a significant signpost of growth and awakening for me personally. To put it really bluntly and rattle off one decade defining sign post, 2009 found me amidst an affair and a divorce and 2019 finds me in a healthy marriage.That’s pretty f’ing decade defining if you ask me. 

Honestly, if you came upon me in 2009 you would have encountered a young woman who was terrified of the world, completely unsafe in her body, perfecting every ounce of herself in fear of judgement and shame, disconnected from her truth and what she desired, drowning in a sea of sadness and rage, overworked, uninspired, insecure, exhausted and resisting every bit of the admission or even the acknowledgement of any of it. And you know what, I’ve grown to LovE that girl. I’ve sat many an hour and thanked her for her survival strategies, her diligent, overactive nervous system that kept us always on the look out to insure our safety and her warrior esque will to overcome. I have and still am working on integrating her into my body. She is learning to trust me to keep her safe. There is a woman in charge now, the little girl can rest. 

If you happen to know me currently or stumble upon my life story or my work at the closing of 2019, you find a WOMAN who mostly believes the world is a supportive and friendly place (thank you Einstein), has and is creating a safer internal world, in LovE with herself and falling deeper by the day, leaning further into her truth and acting on her greatest desires, remembering what joy is, no longer afraid of expressing her deep well of emotion and rainbow of feelings, inspired from the inside and her connection to source, aligned with her purpose in this lifetime and much more fluid about what that purpose could possibly look like, expanded in her ability to hold herself in discomfort and not run, taking deeper breaths, connected to her heart, coming home to her feminine power,  grounded, brave… I AM A BADASS…AND I am still unraveling and unfurling. 

What I know now is that my wholeness is alive and well. I no longer turn away from my darkness. In fact, there are plenty of gifts there, some I have uncovered and some waiting for me to bravely venture down into a deeper layer of the underworld to retrieve them. I know and believe in my light more than ever and am trusting in my goodness, just as much and soon, hopefully more than the belief I have invested in my shadow and allowed to define my perception of self for the last decade. For once, I’m not trying to eradicate pieces of my story from the book of my life. However, I am taking off the definitions that no longer apply and laying down the projection of the world’s unresolved pain that I refuse to carry any longer. And I’m loving her, the one who started off this decade in fractured pieces. She’s a warrior. 

I wouldn’t change the lessons of the last 10 years. They have brought me to a place of humbleness, a place of gratitude, even for the moments where I thought life would be better over, to a precious wisdom I wouldn’t trade for anything and to a much more open heart, one that I refuse to close again. I now know that a closed heart is cruel self punishment, one that is way more painful than even an open heart that gets obliterated at every twist and turn of life. So, in these next 10 years, I vow to remain open. Not just to remain open, but to open further, on purpose, this massive heart god has blessed me with… has blessed us all with. 

I hope you take off the old definitions, wave goodbye to those who refuse to allow you to try on new, expanded versions of you and say hello to the new… new souls that desire to witness you growth, new LovEs, new creative adventures… anything that sets your soul aflame. I wish you all the fearlessness and grace it takes to become the blessing to this world you have been created to be. I LovE you! 

Goodbye 2019. Goodbye to the last 10 years. Hello 2020. Nice to meet you.