Here I sit, in the void again. All of my major projects have been birthed, nourished and sent out into the world. It’s a new year, a new chapter full of possibility. And this is usually where I FREAK THE F OUT!
Going, doing, earning, achieving, that has been my game for the longest of time. Even before I started touring at 13 and maintaining a full blown career and business, I was going, doing, earning and achieving. I played softball, danced, played piano, made straight A’s, sang at a show in Ft. Worth, Tx. every Saturday night, where I learned a new song every week and earned $125 a week from the time I was 7. There’s not a time in my life that I don’t remember responsibility and work. Don’t get me wrong, I enjoyed much of it, and it has afforded me a beautiful life, but there became a moment, around the time I was 16, where I understood the weight of the responsibility on my shoulders to KEEP moving, earning, creating, doing, achieving because I myself, was THE BUSINESS and if I stopped that meant everyone else stopped too. And to be really honest, it felt safe. As long as I was achieving I felt LovEd. As long as I was moving I didn’t have to feel pain. As long as I was earning I never had to feel “less than” for not having enough money and I would never be burdened with the financial struggle I grew up around.
So, now, here I sit in the void with all of those old feelings and stories swimming around in my being, a lot less freaked out than any year before. Mainly, because I have spent days upon weeks, upon months, upon years working through my illusions and rewriting my stories, so that they reflect LovE instead of fear and I still have a long way to go, but there is space and trust where there use to be contraction and horror. There’s breath, prayer, silence and conversations between the universe and my soul about where it would like to lead me next. Then there’s an internal fight with my ego about what it “THINKS I SHOULD DO.”
But then I breathe and LovE that piece of me that’s terrified still. Sometimes, I don’t like what my soul whispers or what the universe shows me, and where I used to argue with them and take the long way around, I am beginning to actually listen and surrender… at least half of the time, which is a big shift.
Lately, I’ve been hearing whispers of “Slow, Soft, Sensual, Receive.” Um, Universe, not sure if you’re aware, but these aren’t exactly my forte.
Of course, I know it knows and that’s exactly why it’s muttering these words in my ear. A softer, slower way has been knocking at my door for a while now. I have made many changes in my life over the past couple of years that have afforded me a gentler pace of life, but I know I’m not close to the pace my soul desires to be yet. I’m not even sure if I will be there for a while, but I can begin to contemplate a pace of ease in ALL parts of my life, not just my work life. That’s what I feel I’m being called to do at this moment. So, with that said, here’s a few questions I am asking myself. A part of me isn’t quite ready to face some of these, but the questions are there and because I’m asking the questions, I know the answers will arrive in time.
What if I was able to receive rest and even boredom as a gift from the universe?
What if I listened to my body and allowed for my workouts to vary in intensity, depending on how much energy I had?
What if I slowed down my morning and evening self care routines, so I could be more nourishing to all parts of me?
What if I slowed down the way I eat?
What if I slowed down on spending?
What if I slowed down my days, packing them with less?
What if I slowed down my process before I went on stage and allowed for more time moving between working out, getting ready, eating dinner, my meet and greet and performance?
What if I slowed down my words, my conversations?
What if I prioritized joy and pleasure without guilt?
My nervous system has been on stun my whole life and I’m hoping that with a little more space and awareness around all the different areas of the way I currently operate, I can begin to enjoy a calmer existence. I know this process won’t come without some discomfort, but I’m willing to ride it out in order to see where it may lead me.
Where are you in the journey of “less”? Are you willing to listen to your soul and what it’s desiring? Are you willing to challenge old stories and trade your fear in for trust and LovE? Big LovE and gentleness to all of you on this exploration into the self. I LovE you.