Reprogramming

Long ago I cursed myself. Exhausted from overworking and weighted heavy under so much responsibility by the time I was 16, I remember unknowingly casting my spell with my words, mumbling through rivers of tears declaring “all I want is to be normal.” 

Back when those words shot out like a fiery cannon from my mouth, “normal” to me was a quieter life, a home that didn’t move, dinner out at a restaurant without everyone there staring me down. Little did I know “normal” was the last thing I desired and definitely not who or what I was incarnated onto this planet to be. 

These days, “normal” to me means following the crowd, losing myself, my uniqueness, my sovereignty, ignoring my intuition, straying away from my own unrepeatable path, afraid to share the totality of my gifts in fear of judgement and criticism. And that, I have come to learn, fills like imprisonment. So slowly, I have been unhooking my soul from the “norm.” 

I have been examining, questioning every little belief, thought pattern, habit. Do they resonate with my heart? Are they mine or are they passed down from society or family during early childhood? 

Let me tell you, this is a process, one that comes with layer upon layer, upon layer of programming. Just when I think I’ve broken through to the other side, there’s another layer offering up itself for examination. No matter where it came from, we are all products of what we have been fed and what we have unconsciously bought into. 

Most of us have stopped exercising our power of choice, only because we have forgotten how unique each and every one of us are. This life is not one size fits all, not even one size fits some, it needs to be what feels incredible and nourishing for you and what your soul is desiring for you to experience in this incarnation. We are all in need of this massive reminder, myself included, so let’s welcome it in to empower us and begin to melt away the top layer of illusion. 

I believe a lot of us are afraid of this kind of choice, because it can be quite a lonely experience. Disillusionment falls away and we begin to see all the places where we have been lying to ourselves. Relationships dissolve, the work we have been enslaved to suddenly becomes more than just a prison, it’s life threatening, soul crushing, everything we thought we knew to be real or grab onto like a life raft to stay afloat,  vanishes. 

We no longer “fit in.” 

Honestly, this is when we become leaders. We become examples of leading with our own damn, beautiful, wide open hearts. I know that’s scary, ok, terrifying, but it’s so needed in order to actualize our soul’s purpose and bring to life our own unique footprint. A footprint that will never be duplicated. 

We are all created to connect with others from our truth, not from a facade we have carefully crafted around the false promise of safety. When we begin to allow that facade to crumble and shine our unique light, our people find us. So, I guess it’s only lonely for a period of time. If we can envelope that loneliness and let it burn through us like a raging fire, we find a power we didn’t even know existed within and we find a family of hearts that celebrate us in all our messy glory. 

It’s heartbreaking to think of the gifts we all possess that never see the light because we are afraid to walk our unique path, outside of societal norms and family expectations. 

OUR POWER OF CHOICE, OUR SOVEREIGNTY, OUR LIVES, CREATED FROM OUR HEARTS…. THAT IS THE GREATEST POWER WE HAVE! It’s time we stop caring about how it’s going to look to others. I promise you, and I’m speaking to myself on this too, for as many people who think you are crazy or throw judgement and hatred your way, which is only a reflection of them and where they are on their path anyway, there will be just as many, if not more who you empower to live their truth. It’s time we start believing in our gifts, our mission and begin embodying the faith we all speak of. The saying “take the leap and the net will appear” has never made more sense to me than right now. It’s true, where there’s passion, purpose and an open heart, mountains will be moved to make our desires and dreams a reality, but it all starts with questioning what it is that moves us TO THE CORE. What connects us with others? What brings us joy? From there, well, I am learning that it takes a whole lot of f$?@ing courage, learning to not only make friends with discomfort, but learning to LovE it, to crave it. Choice my friends IS the high, it IS the drug, it IS YOUR CREATIVE POWER! 

There are a few places in my life where I’m courageously diving in. One that especially stands out that I believe most humans can relate to… my body and the programming that has been deeply ingrained around how I HAVE TO look, what society considers “pretty,” how I’ve believed if I’m “fat” I won’t be worthy of LovE. That word hits you doesn’t it, “fat.” It’s not even in my vocabulary, but it’s in my programming. It’s a word I often heard VERY EARLY in life and the belief of weight being one of the main foundational cornerstones of my worthiness or lack thereof easily slithered its way into my innocent mind. And depending on how deeply that word irks you, clearly, I’m not the only one. It’s always been interesting to me, how I’m the exact opposite of most negativity that was modeled for me early on in life. I don’t walk around judging anyone by their looks, but it’s the first thing I’m afraid people will judge about me. Why that has mattered to me is multi layered. Everything from growing up in the public eye with psoriasis to thinking it’s the image I have to uphold as part of my job to THAT’S WHAT WE’VE ALL BEEN FED AS WOMEN, and of more recent times, AS MEN TOO! Honestly, I would never treat anyone like the voice in my head has treated me. That voice is shifting though, slowly, but indefinitely. 

Recently, I had been pushing my body really hard, working out a ton and I became very sick. My body was screaming for me to slow down and I wasn’t listening, so it made me listen. I was forced to rest, only walking around our neighborhood every so often when I felt I had enough energy. I basically went for two weeks without working out, only walking and my worst fear didn’t happen. So, I began examining all of my distorted beliefs and fears around this area of my life and trust me, there were/are a lot! I’d  adopted them from my parents, past LovErs, society, but they were/are mine now and mine to rearrange. The illness and two weeks of rest allowed enough space to be put between my beliefs and fears and the real me, that I began to see a possibility of a new reality, a reality that aligned with my heart and spirit and so, I took action. I made a plan to walk more, engage in slower workouts, regularly practice Yin Yoga and strength train only 2-3 times a week. I also shifted my perspective from fear to LovE. Instead of I “have to” workout in fear of not being good enough and being judged, I now workout because I enjoy it, I care about my health and in honoring my body’s needs instead of my fear based, programmed thought patterns, I am showing loving action towards my soul case, which means I slow down and rest when I’m tired without judgement. I mean, the judgement comes up and the “I need to be doing something” “I am being lazy” conditioning, but I witness it, softly and lovingly name it “grasping,” “judging” or striving,” take some deep, cleansing breaths and sink right back into the couch or mama Earth. It’s feels FREAKING AMAZING! Oh, and I’m taking tennis lessons, which is a blast!  I’m moving from my center, from JOY! 

Look, I fall back into my old fear based patterns. This way of being is new to me and with all the fake perfection we are fed through ads and social media on the daily, it’s difficult not to, but I can now recognize it for what it is, old programming. I now mother that beautiful, fearful inner child and put her heart at ease, loving all of her, speaking truth to her in place of lies. Hey, if you’re breathing, you are subject to the inundation of “not good enoughness” that vies for our attention every second, but we can CHOOSE what to believe and what’s right for us. For some people, 6 days a week of all out, hard core training may be exactly what their soul needs, but only if it’s emanating from their core and resonating with their heart. 

This examination has become like a domino effect in my life. There are a multitude of places where my true self is rising to the surface and I’m unraveling what use to masquerade as my truth. As we travel along on this journey together, I will be revealing more, but right now, I’m full on in it and still discovering who I am in these other areas. All the uncomfortable feels are rising, but I’m suddenly not running. I’m almost enjoying feeling it ALL because I know when I feel it, I move through and another layer of freedom reveals itself. 

So, can you begin to become the witness to your programming without judgment? When a story arises, don’t get attached to the thoughts and allow the emotions to sweep you away. Softly and lovingly name what is rising “judgement, fear, shame, guilt, grasping, whatever feeing comes.” If you can’t find words for the emotion, just name it “feeling.” Keep GENTLY repeating the word you are using until that emotion fades. This practice has helped me SO MUCH! It allows for space, other options and ways of being and relating to present themselves. Where is one area in your life that the programming is really obvious? Can you begin questioning where it came from and if the beliefs around it are actually beliefs you would adopt now? If not, ask yourself “what would MY belief be around this area as an adult, standing fully in my sovereignty?” Close your eyes and breath. FEEL into it! You’ll know what is yours by where it lands in your body. Does it feel honest and empowering? That’s it! Where do you want to be more fully expressed as your unique self and where does that require you to unplug from old habits or thought patterns? Pick a habit or thought pattern and do the opposite for two weeks, I dare you! See what happens. Prove yourself wrong. You can always go back, but you most likely won’t want to. This is THE WORK my LovEs! I am so here, right in the thick of it with you. 

I LovE you